Like a Turd in the Wind: VENOM Review

Venom (2018) Directed by Ruben Fleischer

Okay, I know that I said I wouldn't watch it. But when it popped up as a dollar rental I had the morbid curiosity to see just how much a single movie could piss me off. In case you aren't aware of the backstory of the making of VENOM, Sony Pictures has decided to produce movies based on some of Spider-Man's most popular characters. The problem? Well, first: It's Sony. They're famously known for being too hands-on with the production of their major tentpole movies. That's why both Amazing Spider-Man movies were such clumsy messes. That's why we have an Emoji Movie. But they got some positive reinforcement last year when Spider-Man: Homecoming showed that you can make an enjoyable movie that is still true to the comics. The only problem is that creatively SM:H was produced by Marvel Studios and not Sony. Okay. So, the second problem with VENOM: Spider-Man isn't even in it. The character of Venom relies on Spider-Man to an insane degree where this film has to do somersaults without that part of Venom (and Eddie Brock's) origin.

VENOM is about symbiote aliens that are captured and brought back to earth. While here, they can take over human hosts to do their bidding. Eddie Brock is a down-and-out ex reporter that loses his job and fiancee because he's just that type of hard hitting journalist. One of the symbiotes bonds to Eddie and they have a jolly ol' time! Killing! Eating heads! Licking people's faces! But when a bigger symbiote fuses with the head of an evil pharmaceutical corporation, it's up to Eddie and Venom to save the world! So...simple comic book movie trash.

The problem is that in the last fifteen years we've gotten past all these stupid tropes one by one in comic book movies. These movies have been legitimized, expertly written, and expectations have been dashed with grand themes and timeless characters. VENOM feels like a movie that is out of date to a disgusting degree. Basic story? Check. Boring love interest? Check. Evil bad guy wanting to destroy Earth? Check. Cheesy one liners? Oh God yes. Nothing feels earned in this movie. You never get the chance as an audience to like Venom or Eddie. Eddie's a loser that may or may not have a brain disease (based on Tom Hardy's portrayal) and Venom kills for fun but he's supposed to be the protagonist so in the end he wants to save the world for no reason. There's dialogue that goes nowhere between characters that should have gravitas and plot holes that don't matter in the end because the world is saved and the guy kind of gets the girl. What happened to Venom slowly killing Eddie's body? Doesn't matter, go fight the bad guy.

I know it's not a great sign when the most glowing review I've heard beforehand was, "Hey's it not as bad as I thought it would be!" But that does not equate to a good movie. Sexy tongued symbiote or not (you know that's what you're going for, Sony), this film does not have any good reason to exist. VENOM is so bad that it belongs in the Amazing Spider-Man movie universe. A universe crushed by greed and creative committee thinking without creativity.This was a rushed cash-grab that does not appease to Venom fans or fans of film. You broke my heart, Tom Hardy.

Charlie's VENOM Quote:

Michelle Williams' character: "I told you I can fight ugly."

Charlie: "YOU TURNED A KNOB, BITCH!"